Yesterday I watched my baby attend her end of school prom.
It was as frantic as a wedding day and I felt as proud as can be.
Not because she’s left school and she looked gorgeous but because she’s a beautiful,
Resilient beautiful character and my heart was bursting with love for her.
She hasn’t had it easy and in spite of everything she’s faced she glowed yesterday.
I wanted to make her day super special.
I bought her flowers, a continental breakfast for when she woke,
Champagne and strawberries and as I wrote her card I welled up.
These years have gone so quickly.
.
The day was a busy blur of appointments, chatter, laughter, tears, pride, photos, photos.. photos..
It had all the buzz of a wedding except it involved hundreds of brides 👰 and their ‘grooms’ all enjoying the high vibes of the day.
When I went to pick her up with her friends they were all there rocking out and the energy was electric, emotional and beautiful.
An end of an era.
Tucking my exhausted head into bed that evening I felt so contemplative.
I thought I would sleep like a log.
But I hardly slept.
My mind was buzzing from the energy of the day and I couldn’t seem to switch off.
3am I finally gave in and decided to go downstairs to see if a cuppa and a sit in the garden would chill me out.
I often used to get this when I was married.
I wouldn’t be able to sleep and eventually I’d give in and go and have a hot drink with this sense of anticipation for some message to come to mind from above.
I had this feeling again.
The birds are noisy at 3am!
A chaos of chirping from one tree,
Swallows swooping,
Pigeons gliding above with a tilted angle so as to catch the sunlight reflecting off the plumage.
The moon was clearly visible although it was perfect daylight. At 3am.. 🤨 it must be due to the summer solstice.
I hugged my warm mug and felt the tears rise.
A release.
A letting go.
Not just of my emotions from the day but for so much.
A deep letting go of the last 2 years.
Letting go of resistance to what is brewing within me,
A letting go to having to hold on so tightly to anything that I’ve clung to.
A letting go to the unknown ahead.
A letting go to this feeling in my chest..
I visualized walls around my heart,
They were crumbling rapidly.
They had been created to protect me.. but they had also limited my ability to flow.
I could feel this overwhelming warm beautiful love within me.
It wanted to flow freely.. out.
It wanted to drench others..
But something was different this time.
I didn’t need anything in return.
So often we love to be loved.
We give to receive.
We open and expect openness.
But this was unconditioned.
I’ve learnt to love myself.
I’ve learnt how to fill my own cup.
When we love to receive something that’s not love. It’s attachment with affection that fades possibly if the other person doesn’t respond as we would like.
This is highlighted to me being a mother.
My kids haven’t always been able to ‘show’ love in return.
There are times I am just taxi or bank or we may not have seen eye to eye,
It doesn’t change my love though.
It won’t matter what they do in life,
What mistakes they make,
My love is so deep it will always exist.
Regardless.
I metaphorically saw a door I front of me.
As I took another slug of my tea.
I hear a voice.. ‘It’s transition time.’
I feel some change ahead..
I see myself reaching for the door handle but it opens by itself.
As it opens it is as if I am in an airplane and I feel a parachute upon my back.
The clouds below me cloud my view.
I have no idea what I’m jumping into.. but this feeling within me knows it’s good.
I jump.
Into the unknown I jump..
❤️
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